For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had at least one girl crush.
My first was Disney’s Snow White. I used to memorize her exact lines and perform them in front of my family. Singing, cleaning, and dying was all part of my show. I didn’t know the term for the phenomena back then–for my parents, maybe it was “overactive imagination”–but I knew that I wanted to be exactly like Snow. I wanted to be a nice princess who was BFFs with the animals, all while very humbly being the “fairest in the land.” Over time I outgrew my fascination for her (she was way too trusting of creepy strangers), only to move on to cooler, fairer princesses. To this day, I still have girl crushes on girls (or women rather) whose lives I covet and whose merits I admire.
Not everyone has “girl crushes” and not everyone really understands the concept. For me, “girl crush” doesn’t refer to feelings of sexual/romantic attraction (those are just called “crushes,” regardless of gender). But I have been questioned about the nature of my girl crushes. If I’m caught ogling another woman via social media, I’m interrogated (usually by men) with the following: “Does that mean you swing that way?” “How can you like-like someone in a non-sexual/romantic way?” “Does that mean you’re jealous of this girl? That you want to be her?” “Isn’t it bad to obsess over someone else?”
For a while, even I didn’t know what I meant whenever I added a new girl to my growing list of “girl crushes.” I definitely knew that I (a girl) wasn’t lesbian. I did contemplate whether I was envious, and there were times while Instagram-scrolling, I felt that green feeling creeping up from somewhere within. But I still didn’t think that having a “girl crush” was a bad thing.
Recently, while I was on one of my Instagram-stalking sprees, it hit me: the phrase “girl crush” is just a term I use to label my female role models. The terms are not entirely synonymous though. “Crush” as opposed to a role model emphasizes a sense of distance, a one-sided relationship. “Girl crush” in my dictionary refers to a female celebrity who doesn’t know I exist, but whom I intensely admire. Of course there are times I feel envious of my girl crushes because they appear to have qualities that I want to have myself or are living the lifestyle I want, but envy itself is not necessarily a bad feeling. I’m human, I can’t help the way I naturally feel. It’s what I do with the envy that determines whether my infatuation is ultimately good or bad for me.
For example, I have the biggest girl crush on Marzia Bisognin, a beauty/fashion/DIY/travel vlogger known as CutiePieMarzia on YouTube. I genuinely feel excited whenever she updates about her life. By now I’ve seen video clips and pictures of her lovely house, stalked her daily routine via her vlogs, and riffled through her blog entries where she updates with her interests and life experience. I am definitely envious of her–she’s a successful YouTuber who gets to manage her own time everyday and on top of that, who does manage her time productively. She has great sense of style, does her makeup well, makes an effort to cook for herself everyday, and makes time (and money) to travel all over the world. I am envious of her, and there are times I bum around my room, stewing in that feeling until it becomes disgustingly sad. But there are also times that, in my envy, I see her as someone whose example I can follow. Marzia has come into her lifestyle due to some luck and a lot of her own hard work. Ultimately I want to transform my envy into motivation to someday see her as an equal rather than an idol.
VIDEO: Even on her days off she’s so productive!! TEACH ME YOUR WAYS SENPAI.
In fact, that motivation has already taken over, even before I could realize it. A few months ago, Annie and I released a video “Making of a YouTube Star” where I wore makeup on camera for the first time. Shortly after the upload, a friend of mine sent me a text to tell me that 1) she enjoyed the video and 2) she thought that I was becoming prettier and could see Marzia’s influence on me. In fact, she said my look reminded her of Marzia. I don’t exaggerate when I say that upon seeing her texts, I gasped until my face became a happy balloon, before sending her my ecstatic reply.
Video: Our “Making of a YouTube Star” video where we take you behind-the-scenes of our *~*YouTube star life*~*! Such wow. Much cool.
I know some people would be averse to the idea of copying someone else. To some it may mean not loving your “true self.” But I wonder: if you happen to like someone to the point that you wish you could be them, doesn’t that mean that this other person appeals to who your “true self” wants to be? I don’t think copying someone or falling under their influence is a bad thing. At the end of the day, you still won’t become exactly like them. You’ll still be you, the girl crush or role model will just act as a catalyst to help you get to your ideal sense of self even faster.
Video: YouTuber Anna Akana (another one of my girl crushes) talking about copying someone sexy in order to feel sexy herself. She was the original person who made me realize that imitating others is not necessarily a bad thing.
This blog post is already pretty long so I’ll end it here. Someday (maybe next week?) I want to write a blog post with a full list of my girl crushes. Not because any reader would really care, but because it would be fun for me to keep track of all the women I’ve been creeping on lately, and maybe to see what habits I subconsciously/consciously already picked up. – Eunice