Thoughts I want to ditch when I turn 30

  • If she doesn’t respond to my invite out and it’s already been a few days, does that mean she secretly hates me and doesn’t want to be my friend?
  • She’s ignored my texts before. Is she just a bad texter or is this all on purpose?
  • Maybe I should try messaging her again? Would a ‘?’ suffice or does that seem passive aggressive?
  • What if she doesn’t even respond to that–should I take that as confirmation she doesn’t like me?
  • See, this is why I don’t like initiating anything. Maybe it’s better just to wait for other people to message me first.
  • But people who initiate are a rare breed. What if I’m missing out on making a potential new friend because we both happen to be shy about initiating stuff?
  • But if this person really cared about being my friend wouldn’t she put in effort to reach out, like I’m trying to do?
  • Well, she’s a really busy person. If she doesn’t respond I don’t think I should take it personally.
  • Yeah but how busy can a person really be to not take just a minute to respond?
  • Then again, I used to be the type of person who was bad at responding to texts too. I’m not exactly stellar now either, but back then there were always a variety of reasons why I didn’t text back. Laziness, depression, anxiety. Because there were times even sending a text gave me anxiety.
  • But this person is clearly capable of making plans with other people since I see social media updates of her hanging out all the time.
  • But it really doesn’t make sense why she would purposefully ignore me? We’ve always been on good terms.
  • Maybe it’s not hate but indifference. She doesn’t really care to be my friend.
  • Oh my God, am I that friend that no one really wants to hangout with? The one that everyone talks about as super annoying? The one no one actually likes?
  • Maybe I should just be less desperate. If she never responds to the initial invite I sent her, then so be it. Whatever. I don’t care!
  • But the problem is that I do care. This isn’t the first time she’s ignored a hangout invite of mine. And I’m hurt because I thought we were close friends. I want to tell her that it makes me sad that she ignores my attempts to maintain our friendship. It makes me question how much she must actually not like me. It makes me wonder if she ever even liked me.
  • I feel like I wasted so much time and effort on her.
  • But maybe that’s the reason why she doesn’t care for me–because I tried too hard and cared too much. Maybe I burdened her with my attention, my questions, my concern. I used to think she and I bonded over feelings of depression but maybe she doesn’t want any of that.
  • I wish I didn’t really care about any of this. I want to reach a point in my life where I don’t care about what other people think of me, where I don’t worry about whether or not they like me. It’s too much unnecessary stress.
  • I wish I was 30.
  • I tend to think that 30-something-year-olds are more confident because they naturally don’t give a fuck. It’s like as soon as they reach that golden age, they are insta-enlightened on the fact that nothing really matters, so why bother?
  • In reality, I’m sure that the stereotypical IDGAF attitude of 30-something-year-olds is something that is slowly acquired. And I’m sure it’s reactionary. People don’t just not give a shit for no reason. I think 30-somethings consciously decide it’s healthier to not care. Because they’ve already gone through the motions of the 20s, when they cared too much, and they got hurt as a result. Perhaps this is just one of those times when I’m supposed to learn not to care from this. Perhaps I’m just supposed to give up, not because I don’t actually not care but because it’s better to pretend I don’t.
  • I don’t know what’s sadder, feeling anxious about losing friendships in my 20s, or not caring what happens to them at all in my 30s.
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