I’ve always prided myself in being a night owl, especially as a college student binge-watching shows late into the night, confident in having an afternoon class the next day, then as my life found a routine with a full-time job, I was unable to continue being the free night creature who could stay up as late as my heart desired and stay in bed well into the morning, sometimes even into the afternoon. And I sort of liked it. Waking up early was still a pain to me, and unnatural at that, but perhaps it was more the pains of knowing I had to go in to work. Otherwise, I liked it, because on weekends, I could wake up a bit later than I would if I had to go in to work and then I felt like I had the whole day ahead of me. I would naturally open my eyes and feel well-rested from a good amount of sleep at around nine a.m. It felt nice; it was especially delightful to glance at the clock later on and think, “Wow, it’s only noon?”
However, I’ve fallen back out of routine and am having a hard time embracing my night owl tendencies. I’ve been sleeping later, though not too late at first. I would go to bed at around one a.m., but I would stay wide awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling, wondering why I wasn’t sleepy at all. I never ever had a hard time falling asleep, but these days, my mind is filled with thoughts and ramblings and even depressing situations because of my natural pessimistic, negative self, even though I’m still trying hard to become a more positive person this year. And I would want to still wake up at nine a.m. to be productive, feeling good rather than worn out from sleeping too much or too late, but I keep groggily slipping out of bed at eleven a.m.
A few nights ago, while I was again in bed wondering about this and that and thinking way too much and imagining too many scenarios, I pondered to myself yet again why I never wanted to actually go to sleep, and I came to the conclusion: I don’t want the next day to come. I think that’s also the reason I stay in bed longer in the mornings: now the day is here, I don’t want to start it. It’s sort of a depressing thought, really.
And now my schedule has gotten worse. I give up on going to bed because I hate just lying in bed, wide awake and full of thoughts I want to silence. Instead, I just watch things now, but that still doesn’t feel fulfilling. It’s less satisfying, more of an obsessive thing I do for the sake of having something to do. I fall asleep at around maybe 3 a.m. and wake up closer to noon. I listen to music again in bed, even though it’s a pain with my phone. Maybe it is me trying to not listen to what my mind is trying to tell me, but it’s also me trying to ignore all the useless things my mind on overdrive is trying to convince me of, like how everything is terrible or will be terrible.
I am stuck in a rut right now–and maybe I have been for years but I’ve dug myself deeper–and it’s affecting my sleeping cycle. I could always fall asleep instantly, no matter where I was and what time it is, but I can’t anymore. It might be another sign of growing up. It might just be whatever situation I am in right now. It might be this, it might be that. I can’t force myself to wake up earlier and I’m starting to come to terms with it.
Perhaps it’s just a routine I will have to accept until something else interrupts this one. When will I have a good night’s sleep again, I wonder.