Something shitty I’m strangely proud of

I have the ability to poop in any bathroom, whether it’s public or someone else’s private bathroom.

I wasn’t aware that this was a skill until college, when my roommates would sigh about being unable to unload in our new apartment or in any foreign bathroom for that matter. They said they were uncomfortable to dispose their waste in a new place, or deterred by the thought of their butts touching the same seats as the derrieres of many others. These are thoughts that never occurred to me before. I don’t think  about the location or the circumstances of my pooping when I poop. I just do the doo.

I also didn’t realize that there are people who worry about being able to poop every day. One of my roommates was constantly constipated and had to think of ways to unclog her poop chute. She would eat yogurt in her discomfort and talk to me about the last time she was able to grace the toilet bowl with a present, which was usually sometime far in the past. I never log how often I am able to dispense a part of myself daily because I never thought that was something to be concerned about. Also because it turns out, whether I record my progress or not, I do poop every day… multiple times!

I now feel bad for people who can’t poop as easily because poop is one of the sweetest releases you could ever experience. I know a pastor who used a poop analogy in a sermon once. He said that repentance is like pooping. Prior to repenting, you feel constipated by the thoughts of everything you’ve done wrong. While repenting, you feel stressed and have to work to get everything out. After repenting though, it’s like a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders and you feel so much better about it. You feel rewarded and also at peace, similar to how your anus feels like a champion after doing a hero’s work of expelling the wickedness that is shit.

I do like this analogy, except personally I prefer poop to repentance.

If this read to you like something a five-year-old would think of, I’d like to let you know that I am secretly a 5-year-old trapped in a 25-year-old’s body.


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