I love the book, I try to live by this, but it is just so darn freaking hard!
It’s the strangest thing because I like to think that I can be pretty easygoing in some areas, but there are other areas where I’m a tight bundle of nerves. For example, I couldn’t care less if I’m not wearing makeup outside or if people think unwell of me, but if My Great Lakes does not get the check I sent way in advance for my monthly payments, I freak the hell out (and also get pretty peeved that I was so on the ball with it only to not be rewarded with what should happen and usually does happen). I don’t know why I panic, really. It’s not that complicated. It seemed unlikely that they were going to get the check at this point, so I just made the payment online, but what happens if they do get the check? I’m not going to pay $30 to stop the check. That’s ridiculously overpriced. I tell myself, It’s fine, Annie. My Great Lakes will probably either apply it to a later payment or just cancel it. And if they mess something up, I can just call them and my bank and just work it all out.
But I always freak out that things will go terribly wrong. I think it’s because I have this notion that I have pretty bad luck. I mean, one of my fears is that I’m going to die from a freak accident. I don’t exactly know where I get this idea that I have super bad luck because if I look back at my life, sure there were a few unfortunate instances, but overall, my life isn’t that bad and those kinds of cases happen to everybody! There are people who have even shittier luck than I do, but they remain positive and just focus on rectifying the problems once the problems actually occur, whereas I start overthinking and imagining all the possible messes before they even happen–and a lot of the time, they don’t even happen. What is the point?
There are all those quotes about how worrying just means you go through whatever happens once more than you really have to, but it’s still hard for me to apply those words of wisdom to my life and way of thinking. And I’m the type of person who likes to think and plan of everything ahead of time so that I can be prepared. Spontaneity? What the heck is that?! I guess I don’t like being caught off guard. I know it takes practice to be more relaxed and optimistic, that’s why my biggest new year’s resolution for 2017 is to think more positively. I believe that what you put into the world comes back around, but unfortunately, it seems like I was born with the personality of those anxious people who are too scared of life and the horrible things it has to offer. It’s like, Oh, life gave me lemons? How the hell do I make lemonade?! Does anyone have the recipe?? Do I have to do the measurements exactly? How do I know it’s going to taste good?
That’s why I’m here ranting about it because I want to just get it all out of my system so the knowledge that I’m being totally ridiculous will completely melt into my being and I can calm down. Because I know it. I know I’m being idiotic and stressing myself out for no reason, which is not at all good for my body or mind. But there’s a difference between knowing it and accepting it. Since I do know it and acknowledge it as a problem, though, at least my foot is one step out the door. I only need to keep propelling myself forward toward the sunny horizon instead of staying in the shadowy land Simba must never go to.