Who I am according to me

The Bad:

  • Lazy: Or at least, I’m susceptible to use this ambiguous word as an excuse to relax and do nothing.
  • Possessive: I like to collect friends and consider them mine. As soon as I detect even a slight hint of one friend being closer to someone else that’s not me–a secret hangout, a secret gift… SECRETS (that are not really secrets, they’re openly sharing on social media actually)–I feel a sense of territorial rage. Thankfully I usually don’t act on this feeling; the most I do is pout in a corner and occasionally cry out of “loneliness” when I’m on my period.
  • Envious: Any time anyone does something that I want to do, I don’t feel competitive or motivated to do the same, I just resign into the feeling of envy. A former classmate of mine published something on a website recently. I wish I did that. My boyfriend is getting into cooking real food lately. I would like to cook. A friend has abs. Wait a second–I want abs! BRB while I fold my arms and stare at a wall and hate these people as a way to escape the fact that the person I actually hate for not accomplishing anything is myself.
  • Easily-distracted: I don’t like to focus on my actual problems. I like to make a big deal about smaller problems in order to distract myself. For example, I don’t want to think about my decaying writing life. So I’ll just think about what nail polish color I want to wear instead!
  • Anti-social: I have a tendency to literally chuck my phone across the room, to withdraw from conversations, to avoid coming out of my cubicle, to take hours, sometimes days, to respond to messages, because I don’t want to talk to people too much. I feel pressured to be friendly in text, feel nervous to sound normal during a phone call, feel anxious to be fun in person. I take many social breaks throughout the day, because I stress out too much about being careful around other people. I wish I could just relax a little and feel comfortable being me with whomever.
  • Self-critical: See this list.

The Good:

  • Tryhard: When it comes to showing a person I love them through gifts, I do my best. It’s interesting that I don’t like to put any effort into things I want to do for myself, but I am willing to invest hours and days into little projects–such as surprise parties or scrapbooks–just to make other people happy.
  • Funny: At least my therapist thinks I am. And my mom.
  • Accepting: I used to consider myself a very judgmental person in the past. But recently, I was told that I seem to try my best to be open-minded about things. And I suppose I do. Maybe it’s because I used to be criticized for being too uptight and conceited, that over time I learned how to curb my urge to pass judgement and instead be open to my friends’ life choices and opinions.
  • Introspective: Despite the fact that I feel like I’m not taking as much time lately to examine myself, I still have a good grasp on my emotional and mental state. Thanks to therapy, I feel I understand why I am the way I am, and I’ve come to accept the things that have happened in my life. Even though I tend to put myself down, I don’t hate myself as much anymore whenever I’m being possessive, envious, or anti-social. I’ve learned to accept that this is just who I am, and that change is possible, but I’m allowed to go at my own pace.
  • Nice: As bitchy, cold, and mean as I would like to pretend I am, I do think there’s a big part of me that still wants to be kind to people because I care about their feelings.
  • Social: Even though I said I’m anti-social, I do think I’m becoming more and more relaxed around people. I go out more often, I plan social events, I can meet new people without feeling anxious. I think the challenge now is to learn how to pick who I spend my time with and how to space it all out so I don’t always feel so overwhelmed.

Conclusion: Whenever I write my thoughts down, I feel more at peace, like my whole life has been organized and everything makes sense. Writing a list about myself, dividing myself between bad and good qualities, makes me feel like I have some sense of who I am now. Writing “the bad” list was more fun and came easily to me. But as I struggled and forced myself to write some good qualities to balance it all out, I came to like myself more. It’s nice to remind yourself once in a while that you’re a decent person and not a complete piece of shit.

Writing my “good” list also made me realize how much I have changed over the years for the better. It makes me feel a little more optimistic to know that I can continue to change to become the kind of person I want to be. Currently, my goal is to be less lazy and more proactive. To invest in my writing, to try cooking or exercising or doing something with my lazy butt more. Lately, I have been feeling annoyed that it’s taking me forever to meet any of these goals. But I have always been a slow person–a slow writer, thinker, eater, breather?–so maybe I just need to take my time.


5 thoughts on “Who I am according to me

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